So, your bags are packed and you’re ready to go. You’ve consulted three online checklists, printed your emergency numbers and patted the inner pocket of your purse 14 times to make sure your passport hasn’t spontaneously combusted. No matter how many things you do right pre-flight, there are certain things you learn very quickly not to do.
Don’t just assume that the airport you flew into is the one you’re flying out of. If there’s one life lesson to take away from “Friends”, it’s that LaGuardia and JFK are neither the same airport nor are they close to each other. And, if at all possible, don’t book a flight for 6 a.m. the morning after your 21st birthday, or for 6 a.m. the morning after you’ve moved apartments, or for 6 a.m. the morning after your office holiday party. (Unless you are a very together person, just don’t book a flight at 6 a.m.)
From excessive drinking to gratuitous passport-posting, here’s what not to do before you fly.
Maybe you’re on a first-name basis with Ralph. Maybe you even exchange the occasional pleasantry as you race out the door every morning, muttering a stream of expletives under your breath. This is not—we repeat, IS NOT—an excuse to leave him a note detailing your whereabouts and/or ETA, unless of course you’ve rigged your house up “Home Alone”-style and are streaming the live feed to Aruba (we wholly endorse Culkin-esque tomfoolery). Instead, suspend your mail and the newspaper if you’ll be gone for an extended amount of time, or have a neighbour pick it up for you. (As long as you’re cool with them eating your food, which, as everyone knows, is an inherent perk of picking up someone else’s mail for two weeks.)
You know that person—the one who’s so caught up in pre-vacation ecstasy they don’t notice they’re oversharing every little detail of their trip, almost to the point where you can’t help but think you could pull off a pretty seamless identity theft (Thailand, here you come!). But—do we really need to tell you this?—no matter how fabulous your top-lit drugstore passport photo is, don’t accidentally post any zoom-able personal information when you Instagram a flat lay of the contents of your suitcase. And no, your thumb over your passport number isn’t an exception (no matter how good your pre-vacay shellac, it’s just bad social media decorum).
One, because no one wants to see your exclamation-point-laden out-of-office (Subject line: “Sayonara, suckers!”). Two, because the more people who know you’re away, the better chance your best friend’s Tinder fling’s shifty brother will find out about your vacant apartment and its shoddy window lock. Three, because literally everyone on your contact list besides your Mom would rather hear from the Nigerian prince promising them millions (just-enter-your-SIN-number-here) than hear about travel plans they were not invited on. Be a gracious vacationer, and simply bombard them with enough Instagrams to induce early-onset seasonal affective disorder.
Instead, consider putting all the lights on a timer so they flick on at a specific time every day to make it look as though nothing’s amiss. Bonus points if you can rig up cardboard cutouts on a remote-controlled train.
You might end up discovering the next Penicillin, but more likely you’ll end up needing a hazmat suit to disinfect your fridge. Make sure to toss out any perishables before you leave for vacation, lest you want to come home to a fridge full of kale soup and a stove-top pot of congealed quinoa. In the same vein—take out the trash. The last thing you want greeting you at the door after a long day of travel is a borderline visible fog of two-week-old penne à la vodka.
That jelly-legged swagger you did while passing through the metal detector didn’t fool anyone, did it? As tempting as it is to have a few pre-flight beverages to help pass the time before you board, the last thing you want is to miss your flight or end up being too tipsy to fly. Or, you know, paw at the security agent’s face asking if anyone’s ever told him he looks like a cross between Bradley Cooper and the Old Spice guy.
Oh, and that pre-flight Venti you drank to cover the unmistakeable scents of Riesling and regret? Not only will you be vibrating with the caffeine shakes while everyone around you dozes off, but you’ll also have to contend with what may be the cringiest of in-flight behaviours—trying to inch past your sleeping seatmate to get to the washroom multiple times.
Feature and slider image: Michael Coghlan, Travel Limbo via Flickr CC BY-SA 2.0
